Sometimes, the pain of the hurt I have lived through in my life seems like a distant memory. I find myself praying to remember, not to feel the pain again but to recall His goodness. To share what HE ALONE has done in my life. Maybe it is why I want to worship Him with my life. The Lord is so sovereign, HOLY and pure. He is so good and He has never left me for one moment. Not one.
As a little 9 year old girl caught up in the throws of uncertainty, it was His love that wrapped me like a blanket. I have experienced the highest highs and some of the lowest lows in my life. I have grown to have a real appreciation for the joy filled moments in life because of this. I want to soak up each moment, to celebrate the mundane and to ooze gratefulness in all I do. I also realize however, that these joy filled moments don’t always last. Sometimes, it’s the sudden blow of the unexpected that can make it all seem like a fog. I have been in a place of such pain in my life that I wondered if I could make it … one … more …. step. I have experienced pain so deep that it felt like my heart might actually break. Again, it was Jesus helping me to pick up the pieces. The tiny little shattered pieces of my life.
Pain has a way of doing this to us. I ran from Jesus & I went through every phase in my life that you can imagine. I have been the type A, working in overdrive, super driven, can’t stop… won’t stop, gotta succeed young adult to the angry, bitter, don’t know which way to turn hurting young lady searching for her purpose in everything (and everyone) but JESUS. I have wrestled and fought my way to understanding. I have tried to search for love in people & things. I have searched high and I have searched low.
When I married the most amazing man I could ever have imagined for myself, all of this deep rooted pain was still festering in my heart. I had managed to suppress it for so long, just long enough to function & get by. This pain finally came pouring out like a flood when I felt safe within the confines of my marriage. For the first time in my life, I was faced with the ugliness of what was in my heart. All of the abandonment. All of the tears. The incredible hurt. The issues trusting. The loss of my Mom as a little girl under 5. The various abuses I endured all before the age of 18. Handing my own child that I birthed by myself in a cold and sterile hospital over to someone else knowing I would not see her for so many many years. All of it, was spilling over.
The pain caught up. This is when I fell to my knees one night in the Summer of 2011 and cried out to God with everything in me. The deepest heartbreaking wails came out & I just begged Him to save me. Save my marriage. Mend my heart. Now this, the thought of it makes me tear as I remember clearer than ever…. Jesus showing up! Similar to when I was that little 9 year old girl, it was His love wrapping me like a blanket. He started to slowly take me through the process of dealing with what I had run from for so long. He took me by the hand & taught me that my worth was not in what happened to me, or in people, or in things. MY WHOLE WORTH (every drop!) was in HIM. I didn’t have to perform any more. I didn’t have to strive or try to prove my worth. I didn’t have to compensate any longer for the pain I carried and that weighed me down for so many years.
He repaired my heart, He brought clarity, He healed my marriage to BETTER THAN BEFORE! He gave my husband a heart that longed after Him too and He used Alex to patiently reinforce what He was doing in my life. He taught me that each and every thing, EACH ONE .. would be used for His goodness and glory. He taught me that life was no longer about climbing ladders, hoarding for a rainy day (I grew up with a great fear of lack), trying to prove myself to everyone but rather, just simply resting in Him. Soaking up His Word, spending intimate time in prayer with Him & literally chasing after nothing other than His heart.
All of these years I searched for answers and the only answer as long as there is breath in your lungs is life with Jesus, hand in hand. He is a good good Father. He created you for a divine purpose and wrapped up in the pain and the hurt is His healing and grace and mercy. He will never leave you. He will never forsake you. Not for one moment.